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A public apoligy November 1, 2005

Posted by Matt Hurst in Uncategorized.
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Dear Tiger Cat,

You misinterpret my jest as patronizing insult. I have been slowly catching on to your game (sarcasm) and was trying to apply myself. For that I am quite sorry, but will probably do it again. Hopefully, you won’t misunderstand it again as i have misunderstood your jests. I can reassure you that my adverse reaction to your jest was taken only up through my own insecurities and am sorry for any grief i may have passed back onto you. That’s fucking childish on my part.

But I really don’t want to write you an apology telling you I am sorry – I think you should know the things I am thankful for that make me feel sorry to begin with. I want to form a constructive friendship with you, because you are a wonderful person.

Thank you for caring about me enough to not lead me on. I appreciate your honesty towards me; it is a refreshing change of pace for me. Our experiences widely differ, and thusly do our motivations on many things. To be honest myself, I like it even more when you can be open with me because I want to be more open with you as well. I want you to know (and i’m sure you do) that you’re not an object, but a human being that deserves appreciation from yourself as well as others.
This appreciation of you leads to a couple problems as you have noticed: it has led to empathetic caring, with the multiplier of my own honesty to tell you so. I really worry about you sometimes, but that is because I care about you as my friend. I want you around because you are so awesome.
Thank you for teaching me to embrace these things: honesty, openess, and an appreciation. I am much happier when you are around, and it is only my social entrainment that interprets those thoughts romantically. I will get around those notions soon enough. In the meantime, I want to thank you for helping me become a better person. I would hope I can help you do the same, but you have a lot more going for you than you realise. I wouldn’t be your friend if you weren’t so many of those things.
Thank you for being these things – warm, open, accepting, embracing, fearless, and fearful (of the right things). Thank you for being funny. Thank you for putting egos in check. Thank you for being independant (an example for others to be themselves). Thank you for not changing for anybody but yourself (read: my critism). Thank you for putting up with me – I tend to cling tightly to those who can. Thank you for being my friend.

I want to be a better friend, and the best way to demonstrate that is to act upon it. I want you around because you are such a wonderful person. Sometimes I thought I could act on that physically, but in doing so I have detracted from the psychic attention. For the sake of honesty I don’t want to scare you away (and i’m suprised i haven’t yet), because I want you around to talk with and to feed ducks with and write with and share with and smoke with and listen with and laugh with and eat with and ride with – to be with.
You have to understand this part of me by now – i don’t tell stories because it’s all about being there. I experience things, but i’d like to share that experience with others. It’s giving that makes me happy – sharing my wealth of experience to others gives me joy as well. I’m glad we have been sharing a wonderful friendship, and I hope to continue sharing that friendship.

One expression of that sharing is in will. I make a will to share my experiences with you, but neither of us recognizes that will in each other. Call them insecurities. One plausible solution is to create a situation where we are not together to share experiences we have. Then will becomes a commodity, to become better appreciated. Happiness can be the result of sadness – without it happiness is harder to recognize. My temporary absense makes a will to hang out more noticible in contrast. As it must for your willful absense – it creates the perception of willful effort to share things (an outreach). We’ve had problems with that, and frankly this notion is rather healthy in any relationship – in this case as friends.

I just want you to know how much I do appreciate you. This currency of appreciation has been inflated, and an adjestment has become necessary. You are beautiful first and foremost as a person. You wouldn’t be my friend if I didn’t know that – and you should know that I feel that way. Take care of yourself, okay? Your absense is noted, and in such your presense is appreciated (as it was already before)

yours truly (in friendship),
Matthew

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Comments»

1. skewgee - November 4, 2005

no public acceptance necessary


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