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What a beautiful world November 22, 2005

Posted by Matt Hurst in Uncategorized.
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I found a bit of time today to clear my mind. Maybe it was the shakes from the sailor’s rum that crept over me until I didn’t even realise how drunk I had become. The sickness rose over me as I was laying in the tranlucent light of sunrise through my curtain, desperately trying to sleep it off.
I woke up sometime like 4 and half hours later to the sound of my boarder Andrea aranging a doctor’s visit for my kitten James Ozma in my absense of effort. Unable to relay to her my kitten’s correct age, I picked up a cup of drip coffee on the burner and informed her that James was already 10 weeks old. The alternating taste of mellow hazelnut roast and my filtered cigarettes set me straight to the sunlight of day, as their twin related chemical addictions countered my inebriation by speeding up my circulation.
I asked her for an update on the field conditions in the trenches of life that we all dig. Unfortunately she was in the process of digging, so I would have to stop trying to grab her attention. It has been occuring to me lately that I have been avoiding a serious conversation with her since the first week of her arrival. It’s not her fault of course, because she has remained honest and open when she has been availible thus far. But I keep putting good conversation off, brushing off serious subjects with casual jokes that really weren’t all that funny. Before her arrival I had been reveling in the selfish seclusion; the kind of intelectual isolation that forces anyone to believe their ideas are genius and misunderstood. Since her arrival my ego has waned, because she is clearly much more talented than I am, and the challenge (one I don’t even need to form) has forced me to reach out again. And that must be for the best. I’m sure of it.
Moving forward in my own needs, I ordered a pizza so that I could spend the morning watching videos from Sunday morning’s televised political forums and memorizing maps of the world. I have been waning on my own self-education in all aspects, and the world map exercize was no exception; I would have to label at least 100 countries in order to pass my history course. Granted it ought to be a requirement to graduate high school or at least to be elected President of the United States, but I’m not one to launch wars of arbitrician. The internet’s resources made possible that by the time I finished my quiz I readily had over 100 identified nation-states identified on my map as a result. Remember, the internet was originally developed to spread research, morphed into an information superhighway to share information, scared off school children and their puritan families by supplimenting america’s facination with sexual media, and is now used by self-agrandizing literate yuppies (like myself) to pirate media (culture by any other name) and write about ordinary happenings in their personal life.
After coming back from my official job (school), I felt just awful. My stomach was empty, my spirit drained, and my hope for film as a medium to deliver meaning drained by a fictionalised, autobiographical, post-humous documentary Jean Seberg called “From the Journals of Jean Seberg”. I took a trip to Blockbuster on my way back home for an early night in to rent some Marx Brothers movie to cheer me up. I also ranted Woody Allen’s “Manhattan”, because I thought I ought to watch it finally. When I got back I found Andrea baking sweets for herself and Jessica. Its not their fault, and I really enjoy their company, but sometimes it can feel like I am an intruder in this place.
They went about online apartment hopping on the old tower computer, while I babysat myself with a VHS casette on the television. I was glad to see that they were recommited to moving out together in spite of momenets of doubt. They really work well together, and I’m really glad they have each other to rely on, because I haven’t had much luck with roomates. They’ll really move each other up the ladder, and I’ll be oddly happy that they’re moving into their own (apartment and as people). Frankly, I was entertaining the idea of being Andrea’s roomate if that’s what it took, but my lease has 10 more months on it and they’re much better off living together.
Almost as soon as Jessica left, Andrea needed to rest again. I kind of miss hanging out with either of the two intwined women on an individual basis, but it still might become a practice of mine. I have to admit that it’s been really good to catch up with my old circle of friends for the past couple weeks, if only because we’ve been on opposing schedules as of late. But in light of how much time the three of us have spent together over the past couple months, even the most minimal time spent seperated seems significant. It was almost as if three old friends had reunited when I came home tonight.
Since then I have begun filling my head with romantic fallies which I’ll probably write about right after this. You can blame Woody Allen for really putting it all out there, because I started watching “Manhattan” on it as soon as I fixed my laptop’s wireless internet connection. There’s probably something significant about me communicating with this now, but I’ll leave that for later.
Anyway, that pretty much brings us up to speed, and I’m really glad by now that I found a way to share my day with you all. I love you all honestly. Sometimes you really piss me off, but only because I care. I miss many of you, and that’s mostly my fault. I just want to remember that these days of exhausting bleakness, where mere existence can become a struggle, give such greater meaning to the moments of happiness. Those make life worth it, and I won’t be cut myself short of them anymore for safety’s sake. A moment may be your death in a motor crash, but it also might be the bliss of a warm day in the sun. Sweet sunshine washing over me…

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Comments»

1. skewgee - November 22, 2005

upon completion of this long, unthinking entry, i left the room, and returned to me sheets burning from a cigarette i was smoking. i noticed the smoke rising and was perplexed, until i realised my inattention. the result of two bad habits gave my sheet charecter, but a poor one. my lack of attentiveness to my surroundings ought to tip you off about this entry.

2. answersforjane - November 22, 2005

honeydew, honeydew, alas and alack. jessica will not be joining me on my exodus from your lovely home, and the cookies were primarily for a co-worker. you were welcome to them, as well as to our company post-grownup yakkity yakking re: the living situation.
please, dear, know i don’t consider myself any more talented than you musically or as a writer.
also know that if you’re ready for me to leave, i’ve any number of pads to crash at for a while.
hearts and flowers to you.

3. skewgee - November 23, 2005

!.) presumption on my part (again). glad to see they’re supporting you in the process
2.) thank you for the offer. *scurries into kitchen* ok, i couldn’t find any. the offer counts, and now i’m hungry.
3.) i want you guys to be comfortable that I won’t patronize you, because i know how lucky i am.
4.) you forgot physical art. and you are differently talented, but you express yourself much more imaginatively. and after all, these are creative works
5.) this will sound repetitive, but I really will miss your presence here. i’m posthumously compensating for time wasted on my part here, but i’m sure we’ll appreciate it later. I really would seriously consider moving into a place with you as your roomate, if not for the 10 months remaining on my lease. I have gifts for a welcoming party, but i’ll leave them to your suprise.
6.) Thank you for the extension dear, but you just made me realize the conotation of that in comics. Luckily I’m not watching Chasing Amy anymore…

Thank you again, and Be well

4. sweetdagger - November 23, 2005

School is not work. It is not a job. It is a luxury. Consider yourself lucky, not employed.

5. skewgee - November 26, 2005

i understand that, and it’s not that i’m ungrateful. i am tremendously lucky that i have a family that can support me through this process. i just need some kind of antagonism sometimes.
school is my job, and a scholarship is a promotion. that’s what pays for this apartment

6. sweetdagger - November 26, 2005

Matthew, you are fucking priveledged. You do not have a job.
How about you get a real job and then complain? If it pays for your apartment it does not mean it’s a job. Shouldn’t a scholarship pay for SCHOOL anyhow??

7. skewgee - November 26, 2005

why do you hate me? I an refe you to multiple entries about understanding that i am priveledged. I can evn refer you to an entry about how the internet is a class priveledge. I want to earn it.
But I can’t earn it and also earn a college degree. My family will not allow me to do both, except on a minimal basis. And frankly, yes, I will take the easy road, so I can do more to earn it in the future.

STOP CRITIZING MY WORK ON THE BASIS OF PRIVELEDGE, because I plan on using it for other people’s ends.
I beat myself up about these things far more than you think, and I don’t need anyone elses help to keep me down (much less a friend’s).


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