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Lightening Round December 16, 2005

Posted by Matt Hurst in Uncategorized.
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I was sitting in my solitary confinement unit this friday afternoon watching the news of the day over my continental breakfast. As I confirmed what we already suspected, that we’ve been spying on our own citizens int’l e-mails and telephone calls, and heard the tragedy of a rich, teenage, white girl’s kidnapping months old in recap, I felt the itch to find something more important.
Enter CNBC’s “Mad Money with Jim Kramer”. Running accross the screen like a wall street broker hyped up on cocaine and madened by PCP super-human strength to justify his illusions of grandeur, he imparted with vengeful fury his stock advice to call-in viewers –
Tyco: “that’s got the same thing as the martha stewart, except without the facial surgery”
Apple: “and then let it rally (after $69)”
Tident Micro: “…great”
“and stick with Kramer”
How could another balding white male testosterone freak with anger management issues get a show, even on cable television? An army of balding white male meth-addled, football junkies angry at their own system’s non-existant discrimination; his primary audience. As Kramer rants and raves like a street corner schizophrenic, only with plasma televisions in the background projecting his name to assure you of his authroity, he walks accross the set to reach a visible sound board with the same camera angles following him that used to make MTV seem defiant of authority.
In the background of the show plays “take the money and run”. The new white-collar criminal is openly as brash as Faegans’s children pick pockets in Oliver Twist, and understands that passing by a good oportunity is as criminal an action as the exceutives of these corporations are crooked. Truly reprehensible effects of the new economy. Who would have thought the President’s tax cuts, compensated in cuts to mental health facilities, would let these many screwheads out into the public.
“i hear many voices” Kramer intones openly in his review of the week. The show is edited in such a constantly shifting camera angle, with such wild movement, and such exasperated tone to impart the desperate need to invest in said stocks, is the insane environment of television eye candy at it’s best. And like a magician pulling his trick, you’re lost following the misdirection, until, as if magic, appears something so impossible from their hands. Kramer struts around his successes of the week, but there’s no need to mention any failures – the real trick this week was for shareholders in NBC Studios/Universal/Vendivi.

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